2 For 1 Deal

God retaliated to Terri Schaivo dying by killing Mitch Hedberg and the pope.

Please Go Away Rivers

I am completely done with Weezer. Their first two albums are great. The third one is bad. The fourth one I only listened to once and have never ever felt the urge to listen to again. And now I just recently heard their latest single. What a piece of crap.

Pinkerton is a great album but did so poorly it almost killed the band. I wish it had.

The Obligatory Johnny Cochran Died Post

If it's a brain tumor, it's not a rumor.
O.J. lied, but Johnny died.
The tumor was in his head, now Johnny's dead.
The death is real, he can't appeal.

I thought I'd have a good one, but "jury" and "bury" aren't even close to rhyming even if they look so similar.

Acceptance

This past weekend I watched part of the 1980 Stanley Cup Finals on ESPN Classic. They were showing the game in which the New York Islanders score in sudden death overtime to beat the Philadelphia Flyers and win the Stanley Cup. This is what I have resorted to: getting excited about 25-year-old hockey games involving teams I don't care about that, despite the original drama involved, no longer have anything remotely connected to drama. And then I was thinking that somewhere, in some dank bar at 11am, some alcoholic with no more money may have been licking the bottom of an ashtray to get the last few drops of beer.

And it dawned on me that the pathetic drunk and I are basically the same guy now.

Wasting Away the Day

I woke up at 6 o'clock... in the evening. I showered, ate some dinner (or was it breakfast?) and waited for Deadwood to come on.

Terry Schaivo received Last Rites. Her day was more productive than mine.

How to Make the Terry Schaivo Case Even More Absurd

Terry Schaivo dies today on Good Friday, and then on Sunday when they go to bury her the pull open the door at the funeral home and find her body missing. Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, and the President -- among others -- proclaim an Easter miracle and then proceed to lose their shit (literally and figuratively) speculating what this means. Meanwhile, Tom DeLay commits suicide out of fear that God is coming and whatever He plans on meting out is worse than death. There are also massive book burnings, school shootings, suicides, and the like throughout the South, Michigan, and Ohio. Texas, in fact, goes so far as sentencing itself (as in the whole state) to be hanged. Just because.

Then a couple of days later they discover Terry's just been stolen by some fundamentalist Christian guy who is holed up in his farm, armed to the teeth. There is no miracle. The federal government storms the house, kills the guy in a shootout, and take Terry back to Florida.

In response to the truth about the missing body and their overreaction, the administration, radio talk show hosts, and Fox News all blame the "liberal media" and it's slanted, biased reporting. Miracle of God? We never said such a thing. Fuck you Michael Moore, Dan Rather, and Maureen Dowd!!!

Then, at Tom DeLay's funeral, there's a bomb scare. It seems the Right Wing Fundamentalist nuts have woken up to the realities of who they've elected to office: a Congress, governors, and an administration that, despite the religious beliefs they share, is the opposite of what they thought they were electing. They now have a Federal (and in some cases, state) government willing to stick it's nose in it's citizens private lives -- and in this most recent case THE most private of issues. And now these fundamentalists' insanities are boiling over and they are reacting.

Martial law is enacted, we have nationwide curfews. Talk show radio hosts are forced to go to short wave radio because of power outages to radio stations. The soldiers in Iraq, realizing it's just safer there, stay in the Middle East after their tours of duty are done. Insanity rules.

And that's when Canada attacks...

The 5 CDs That Have Been in My 5-CD Stereo and Playing on Random Play For the Past Week

1) Joy Division: "Permanent"
2) MF Doom: "Mm..Food"
3) Uncle Tupelo: "Still Feel Gone"
4) Bjork: "Post"
5) British Sea Power: "The Decline of British Sea Power"

Sorry for the lack of posting

But please, everyone, feel free to continue giving me big projects at the last minute. It's really incredible.

Pointless

My hotmail page has a link to a news story about "Orlando and Kate" getting back together. Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth. Are they really big enough for a first-name only reference? Let alone a news story about their personal lives.

In related news, Pat O'Brien is in rehab. Probably developed a drinking problem when he realized he went from a decent sports announcer to a whore for B-list celebrities. Man, if he could only have waited a week he could have broken the news about "Orlando and Kate."

Stanley? Where are you?

Anyone have any news on the hockey strike yet? Huh? Still going on? Oh, okay. Just wondering. Take your time, guys. I mean, it's summer soon.

Bitte. Danke. Schadenfreude. And That's All I Know

Last night the decision was made to walk down to the corner bar, a very good German beer garden. There, we partook in some Spaten, a platter of sausages with spicy mustard, and randomly ran into a good friend.

Los Angeles may kind of suck, but Silverlake is a pretty cool neighborhood to live in.

Delayed Reaction

I have been totally and completely and utterly infatuated with '80s indie music lately. I was too young to be aware of most of these bands when they first came out, having been born in 1978 and not having any older siblings or cousins around to expose me to this great music. But now that I'm immersing myself in the music, I can't believe I didn't discover it after-the-fact at least by high school. I suppose that's what I get for going to a conservative, all-boys Catholic high school: shitty Warren G albums and fossils like the Allman Brothers and ZZ Top.

To my credit, I wore out my tape of R.E.M.'s Green album when I was all of 11-years old. I didn't understand it at all, but I intuitively figured out it was good. But it wasn't until Nirvana exploded into the mainstream that I really started paying attention to music. As far as I could tell, Nirvana was my generation's Beatles: this insanely popular band that turned into a cultural landmark. They were the soundtrack in my life as I started making out with girls, driving, and sneaking into bars. But, despite R.E.M.'s "college rock," old U2 "post punk," and my obsession with Nirvana -- the band that took the indie rock/punk/alternative/hardcore ethic to huge mainstream proportions, I never did my homework. I was so close to discovering a history of great music if only I listened to Peter Buck praise the Replacements, or more obviously, pay attention to Kurt Cobain's awe of the Pixies. Hell -- I even listened to The Cure's "Friday I'm in Love" everyday in 8th grade, but then ignored their really interesting stuff and spent my few dollars on MC Hammer CDs.

So now, 20 years later, I'm finally getting around to the Replacements, Minutemen, Chameleons, Dead Kennedys, Joy Division, The dB's, Mission of Burma, Camper van Beethoven; and the bands that preceded and influenced them: Talking Heads, Television, New York Dolls.

And I can't believe these guys weren't huge. How is it possible? How are they not on the radio? I can't figure this out.

And then I turn on the radio and hear the Goo Goo Dolls, Good Charlotte, Linkin Park. And I realize when you're eating at McDonald's, don't expect a porterhouse steak.

Upset at the upset

So the NCAA tournament is pointless now. Syracuse is out. Ousted by a bunch of filthy hippes from Vermont. Go play with your devil's sticks and bongo drums, you dirty, patchuli-smelling hippies!

I'm reminded of a quote my friend Tim (or was it Brian?) said once: Hippies mask their laziness in politics.

Apparently He Has Too Much Time Helping College Basketball Players Play Well At This Time of Year

Apparently, even though the Schiavo woman said she didn't want to be on life-support, her parents claim that, as a devout Roman Catholic and since in the 15 years she's been on life support the pope, through his spittle, muttered something about the sanctity of life, she'd change her own views to match the official Catholic Church position and, hence, want to remain on life support.

And yes, I know it's technically not a life support machine but guess what? It's a tube that is supporting her life and, when unhooked, she'll die. Life support.

What's more, all of these debates are linked to genetics research, stem cell research, abortion debates, and the like. Hardcore religious fanatics all scream: who are you to play God? Who are you to decide who lives and who doesn't?

So what's the guy who plugs someone up to a machine to keep them artificially alive doing? That's not playing God? Clearly God wants them to die, right? You're getting in the way of His divine plan.

Fucking hypocrites.

It's Spring Again! Everybody Knows It's... Spring Again!

Walking into the office I saw two squirrels humping on top of a hedge. He seemed more into it that she did.

La Pluie

Not only has it been the rainiest year in Los Angeles history (or at least close to it), now the rain has decided to specialize and only come on the weekends. Come on.

I had no weekend plans, but still.

The Pogues

If you've never heard of them, give them a listen. Today's as good a day as any. Traditional Irish music played by great musicians combined with punk, sang by the drunken and rowdy Shane MacGowan. Beauty and danger in one.

St. Paddy's Day

Ok, this is the second attempt at this post. Blogger ate the first one.

Let me start off by saying I love St. Patrick's Day. Part of it is the fact that I'm just about 100% Irish-American, while the other part of my enjoyment comes from the fact that it means the really nice weather is on it's way. And while there are some people who celebrate the day in a serious manner paying homage to Irish Republicanism/nationalism, I'm not going to act like the tongue-in-cheek atmosphere of the whole thing is some affront to my grandparents.

Having said that, I find a lot of Paddy's Day celebrations to be kind of insulting. Not in a "why do they have to call them the the Cleveland Indians" or "not all Italians are as they're portrayed in the Sopranos" kind of a way, but more in a "why are they talking to me like I'm a 4-year-old?" kind of a way.

The painting of everything green is a little cheesy, but forgivable; the leprechauns peddling Shamrock Shakes using horrible over-the-top (and not even close to accurate) brogues is pretty condescending. The addition of "O'" in front of everything is just tasteless American sensibility at its worst; the cartoonish portrayal of a country bumpkin smoking a corncob pipe and howling "top o' the mornin' to ya" is frustrating.

And like I said, I'm not one to get insulted by things like this. It isn't the images I find disturbing, it's the tone. I think Lucky Charms commercials are funny. I like the tradition behind the Notre Dame leprechaun.

But some of these commercials and festivities make me feel like I'm some little baby being distracted by a shiny rattle. It's Paddy's Day! Yes it is, snookums! Do you know what that is? Huh? Yes it is, it's Paddy's Day!

And Happy Green Day? Green Day? Blow me.

I Broke the Cherry

Blogger lost a post I wrote. I don't want to rewrite it. But I probably will. So I'm posting my first post about blogger losing a post.

And I'm choking on anger as I do it.

Revisionism

I deleted a post about the nutty gunman in Wisconsin and religion. It really sucked.

Aye Carumba

By the way - did anyone see The Simpsons on Sunday? Dreadful.

What I Learned From Breakfast

You really need to add something to Iriah oatmeal. It doesn't cut it by itself. In fact, it's quite gross.

NCAA Madness

UConn is a #2 seed and Syracuse is a #4. I can see that. It's not like SU beat UConn recently... er... it's not like SU won their conference tournament... er... ahem.

I actually think UConn is better. I just don't think they're 2 seeds better.

Try to stop us / It's no use

Morris to Reyes to Cadenza to Garfield a.k.a. Rollins. I'm not really into hardcore, but when I am pissed off, nothing beats listening to Black Flag.

03/13/05 Small Reason For Happiness

The all-day anticipation of Deadwood. I was planning on using Deadwood itself as the small reason for happiness, but this week's episode wasn't great. But it's been awhile since I've looked forward to watching a television show. I forgot how good a feeling this can be. Kind of like when I was a kid and I woke up and knew we had Sabres tickets for that night. It made the whole day great. But now I'm thinking about hockey and the lockout is pissing me off... so let me go back. Deadwood Ahhhh...

Naked and Famous!

"They used to call me Tricky kid. I live the life they wish they did. I live the life don't own a car. Now they call me superstar.

Here comes a Nazarene. Look good in that magazine.

It's a mongol rage. It's a new age. As long as ya humble. Let ya be the king of jungle. We run everything. Always and ever. Has been has been.

Mary Magdaleine. That'd be my first sin. Being with this temptress. Waaaaahhhh!!!!"

What a weirdo.

The Paper Trail of Sorts

I just remembered that the time of one's post is posted along with the body of the post. So I guess I'll stop posting for the night so no one knows I'm at home alone on Saturday ni-..... er, since I'll be so wasted at a bar and making out with some hot actress wannabe. This is gonna be awesome. I'll tell you all about it tomorow.

Yeah...

The Inaugural Entry of The Small Reasons For Happiness

I get annoyed by things way more than I like things. It sometimes makes me a pretty miserable person to be around. When I'm 80, my crumudgeonous attitude will be awesome, when I can sit on park benches wearing a fedora and feeding the birds while I complain about the world. But today? It's not flattering.

So, today we begin a new feature here on the blog. My daily recognition of things that make me happy. It will offer insight into who I am for you readers. But I really don't care if you care. This is more for my own sanity as I navigate this funhouse of horrors that is Los Angeles. So here goes:

Today I went to the mall to buy a new pair of jeans and, hopefully, find a pair of those things that are half-shoe and half-sneaker. I don't know what they are. It's like: can they rush the passer? Or do they shed a few pounds and drop back into coverage? Anyways, I didn't find a nice pair. But then I decided I wanted a new shirt. And this leads to the 03/12/05 Small Reason For Happiness:

I walked into The Gap and didn't find a single thing I liked. I felt good about that.

This Post is Really Boring, But Read It For the Recommendation Anyways.

I used to watch a lot of television. I'd get home from work, watch TV as I cooked dinner, continued watching as I ate, and then watch after dinner. Recently, I have successfully cut back on watching TV as something to do when bored. This has allowed me to: read and write more.

It has also made the shows I do watch all the more enjoyable. They become events. It's no longer, "time for X, I'll change over." It's more: "Sweet! X is on!" Then I run out to the living room.

The shows I watch are: 24, Unscripted, and Arrested Development. I also still watch The Iron Chef when I eat my dinner. I am bored with Lost, Alias had a great Seaon 1 and has been flat since, and The Simpsons is irrelevant nowadays. I mean, they lampooned baking contests this season. Yeah. Betty Crocker sure had it coming.

But recently I've added a new one: Deadwood. This is definitely my favorite show currently running. The writing is fantastic, the characters are great, the production design is incredible. I'm actually blown away by it. I haven't been this excited about a show since The Sopranos was new. If you haven't seen it, start watching. If you don't have HBO, get it so you can watch it. Or rent the Season 1 DVD.

You won't be disappointed.

Entertainment That I Am Proud to Say I Was On Board For Before They Were Cool

1) Ali G -- I was a HUGE Ali G fan when I spent a semester in London in 1999. He was on a British show called The 11 o'clock Show (it is/was a lot like the Daily Show).

2) Radiohead -- This one comes with a caveat. Everyone knew "Creep," but I feel like I was in the "they aren't a one-hit wonder" crowd pretty early in the game -- way before OK Computer came out. I saw them open for R.E.M. on the Monster tour in support for The Bends. A lot of my friends made fun of me for loving the "Creep" band. Suck it.

3) Jurassic 5 -- My friends and I had their E.Ps and imports, and listened the shit out of them for a couple years. Then we got an advanced copy of their first album (on cassette tape). We promptly had a power outage, so there were 5 of us sitting in a circle around a tiny boom box listening to a horribly-made copy of Quality Control and drinking. It doesn't get any more underground cool than that for a bunch of white kids from the suburbs.

4) Soccer -- oh, wait, no one cares, still.

5) Memento -- I read an article about it somewhere once, and then saw it the day it opened in New York. There was 1 other person in the theater. A couple months later, it was selling out.

6) Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels -- This one is kind of cheating. I just happened to be in London and saw it before it was released in the States. But still, I was able to call friends and tell them to see it when it came out.

7) Modest Mouse -- I bought my first Modest Mouse album three years ago. Now they're huge. Though there are a lot of people who were on board with them before me.

Lest you think I am doing this just to brag, I will also say I was a HUGE (I cannot emphasize this enough) Oasis fan, I'm pretty late to the game with regards to Bill Hicks, I had a faux-hawk once, I am really late to the game with regards to Wilco, and like a sheep I follow the vintage-shirt fad. Among a plethora of others. I just wanted to point out (for myself, as well) that every now and then I get things right.

The Hak-and-Mac Attack

The Big East Tournament has started. And, while rooting for my alma mater now sounds like I'm talking smack to UPS, all I can say is:

LET'S GO ORANGE!!!

Though It Makes Proofreading Easier

Well, I fixed that typo ASAP. What typo? Exactly.

Most people's eyes will skip right over minor typos in writing or even word processing in some kind of weird auto-correction Gestalt brain move. But a typo in html, and suddenly there's a random bracket and then everything is in italics.

The Giant Earthquake Can't Come Fast Enough

One of the biggest differences between Los Angeles and New York City, besides the fact that New York is a real city, is the polar opposite position each takes in the car-pedestrian binary. Los Angeles is decidedly a city with an overdeveloped car culture while New York is a pedestrian-based culture. Obviously. The stereotypical images of a mass of people crowded on a New York City sidewalk and the parking lot-like conditions of a Los Angeles freeway are very much based in fact. Each is capable of making you truly and wholeheartedly despising everyone around you.

In NYC, public transportation rules. And unless you're rich, in a hurry, or drunk and just want to get home, the subway is the way to go. And you need to walk to the subway. In Los Angeles, you drive everywhere. Only poor people take the buses, tourists take cabs, and nobody rides the subway. Maybe someday I will, and then I'll blog about it. But not now. In LA, I drive to places that are literally just down the block; if I was still in NY, the same stores could be three times the distance and I'd happily walk there.

New York is so pedestrian-oriented, that it is the only place in the whole country with a blanket "no turn on red" law. Los Angeles, meanwhile, is so car-oriented that it is the only place in the whole country where jaywalking laws are enforced. I know 5 people who have been ticketed for this "crime."

And while NY -- as a real city -- maintains a uniformity with regards to it's predisposition towards pedestrians, Los Angeles has 2 incredibly obnoxious exceptions. The first is the lack of left-turn arrows at certain extremely busy intersections allowing only one (only 1!) car to turn per light rotation ; meanwhile the ones with left turn arrows at the dead intersections leave you sitting there for ten minutes at three in the morning with your thumb up your ass.

The second annoying, and more importantly -- extremely fucking dangerous -- exception to driver authority is the crosswalks. The crosswalks not at intersections, but located in the middle of blocks. Drivers are required to stop in the middle of a block for pedestrian crossers at these places. And a lot of these crosswalks are on streets where the speed limit is 35, so everyone is going 45. And then they have to stop suddenly.

They have one of these crosswalks just down the street from my house. It's a very busy street. And they don't mark these crosswalks in any way except with a stupid sign off to the side of the sidewalk. The one by my house -- as many are -- is obstructed by trees. And, what's more, there aren't any street lights near it. So tonight, I almost killed two women and their dogs. I was driving along at 40mph, when suddenly they stepped off the curb into the street. I hit my breaks in time, and almost got drilled by the guy behind me who had to swerve into the other lane because he was closer to my ass than that one dogs nose was to the other dog's ass.

So, in doing the right and courteous (if completely asinine) thing -- stopping -- I was almost rear-ended by some jerk practically driving in my back seat.

This town blows for so many more reasons than Hollywood actor types and Valley girls.

Maybe There Are 7 Others Scattered Around

Why is there a Snow White mannequin outside my office?

Argh! This Place Is Busy!

The cafateria at work was jam packed today. It was ridiculous. Apparently Pirates of the Caribbean 2 broke for lunch minutes before I arrived and everyone decided to go to the lot cafateria. How else do you explain the dozen or so pirates I saw mingling around the salad bar?

Foreign Aid

I just read an article that projected 80 million people in Africa will die of AIDS by 2025. This immediately brought up two thoughts:

1) That whole abstinence-only policy the current administration has is great! Groups that teach about condoms don't deserve ANY money! It's not like those things help prevent the spread of diseases...

2) It's too bad AIDS doesn't have oil and keep rape rooms, otherwise maybe the US would do somthing more for Africa and we could help a few people out over there.

I Remember Eddie, Cal, Mookie, and Doc

Since we're getting back into baseball season, and we're at the point where every team has the same opportunity to win the World Series as the next, I'm preparing myself for the utter disappointment that is sure to follow when the teams I root for begin losing at alarming rates and then, suddenly, don't have as good a chance to win as the next team.

I am an avid Baltimore Oriole and New York Met fan. I haven't written too much about them in the past because, well, they're the Orioles and the Mets. But this year, with no hockey, I'll probably be following spring training more closely, and ergo, write about it more frequently. To wit, this post.

A quick outine: I grew up in Buffalo where there is no MLB baseball. At a ridiculously young age, I became a Baltimore fan because I thought they were the "Oreos" -- like the cookie. To a 5-year-old, there isn't a better reason to cheer for a team. I had the old-style cartoon bird logo batting helmet and everything. It wasn't until a few years later I learned how great Cal Ripken and Eddie Murray were. And then they went 0-23 to start the season once and I knew I was in love.

As for the Mets: I have always always hated Roger Clemens for some reason, and so I was all for them beating the Red Sox in '86. Then, when I lived in NYC during the Subway Series time, my aversion for Yankee fans was so strong that my alignment with the boys from Shea stuck. It's a lovely coincidence that Roger Clemens was on the Yankees then, so now I have concrete examples of why I hope his arm falls off Dave Drabecki-style with the whole throw-at-Mike-Piazza incident.

So, my baseball allegiences break down to: pro-cookies and anti-Clemens feelings. And conveniently, I have my AL team and my NL team. Or, rather, "teams."

I Feel Bad For Mavis

Apparently Jay Leno has a gag order to refrain from talking about the Michael Jackson case because the victim's mother had contacted Jay for a donation... or something like that. The point is, is that Leno wants the gag order lifted so he can make jokes about the trial.

This assumes Jay Leno makes jokes in his monologue in the first place. It also assumes he's finally -- finally -- after five or six years, run out of Bill Clinton blowjob "jokes." Forget beating a dead horse, Leno turned that horse into glue years ago.

This guy's retirement can't come fast enough.

From the "Huh" Files

I've noticed that there aren't any Italians in Los Angeles. I don't know why I suddenly picked up on this, but I don't know a single one. Weird. And I've even met a half-Japanese, half-Norwegian guy out here. Maybe all the Italian actors stay in New York. And maybe I just knew a lot from growing up and going to a Catholic high school.

I Swear I Did Not Intend To Get Into A Hollywood Story Pissing Match With Other Bloggers

My friend turned the corner to walk up the stairs and almost stepped on a very pretty girl muttering lines for an audition under her breath. She was lying on the stairs. He jumped back, and told her she scared him. The girl looked up at him and, pointed up at where the stairs turned around a corner, and said,

"Careful, there's another one up there." Sure enough, up the next flight was another pretty girl mouthing lines for the television pilot audition.

Now fast forward about ten minutes. My friend, who was with me when Dave Coulier came into my office (see the earlier post down the page) goes back downstairs and out the door. He sees the first pretty girl again, only now she's sitting outside. My friend asks,

"Did you see Dave Coulier?"
Girl: "What?"
Friend: "Dave Coulier? Did you see him?"
Girl: "I don't know what you're talking about."
Friend: "Dave Coulier was here. Too bad."
And then my friend starts walking away. He gets about twenty yards, when the girl yells after him. "Hey! Did you just say did I see Dave Coulier?"
Friend: "Yeah!"
Girl: "Oh! Sorry, I didn't! I'm off in my own world."

At which point 2 things happen: 1) The girl goes into some weird yoga position and; 2) my friend realizes it's Elizabeth Berkeley.

To recap: My friend had a conversation with Jessie Spanow about Uncle Joey.

Here We Go

I understand it's only Spring Training, but still, this isn't the way to start the year.

Essentially, the Mets lost to the Expos. Ugh.

Cut...It...Out

Dave Coulier just accidentally walked into the office. I told him I thought he was in the wrong place. At which point Dave Coulier opens a piece of paper, looks at the number on the door, looks back at the paper, and says, "Hm. I think I need to do some more investigating."

Then he leaves.

I Knew About This Before, But Still, I'll Reiterate That I Used To Like Trot Nixon A Lot More

Methinks a certain fellow over at Surgical Strikes won't be too thrilled about this news story. Though I suppose baseball is baseball and politics is politics and ne'er the two shall meet... or something like that?

Slick

La-di-da-di, we likes to party!