Happy Retirement!

I learned today that Smarty Jones is retiring from racing. He underwent some medical tests (one of which is called a "nuclear scan"! Cool!) and some kind of problem was discovered with all four of his feet. Or hooves. So I guess he's actually being retired by his owners. I imagine his retirement will be a little more interesting than Jack Nicholson's in About Schmidt. His owners are certain to make gobs of money as Smarty lives the life of a stud. Lucky them (owners and horse).

But all this got me thinking how awesome horses are. And how we, as a society, are well aware of their awesome-ness because we occasionally:

1) Run like them.
2) Pee like them.
3) Are hung like them.

All three phrases refer to someone's impressive prowess. Heck, we can use anything in a simile with horses and it's assumed the human possesor of said ability or feature has it in god-like portions. If you said someone named Fred "ties their shoes like a horse," I'm sure the person you told that to would think, "Good God, that dude must be one heck of a shoe-tie-er. Like a horse? Man, that Fred must be the best shoe-tie-er of all time."

And I gotta think he would be, if he ties his shoes like a horse.

The ultimate human/horse comparison-type simile would be the "f---s like a horse" which brings us back to Smarty Jones' retirement. Horses run around until they they can't run around anymore, and then use their giant members to pee and screw for the rest of their lives. Judging by the unhappiness of most hookers, all that running around and having sex-for-money can't be that great, but still, I'm more than a little jealous of Smarty Jones as I toil at a near-unbearable job and work on a long-distance relationship.

And I suppose all the hardships and failed avenues of happiness make our successes that much more fulfilling, but I can't help but be a little jealous.

Oh well.

I'll have to ponder this later because right now I'm famished. I'm so hungry, I could eat a... well, a lot.