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Monday, February 27, 2006

Things I Don't Remember

I have been in the belly of the beast, and I have survived. I walked inside the great monster's mouth fully aware and of my own volition. I was asked. I declined. I was asked again. There was pleading. I wavered. My enemies sensed my weakness and the pack attacked. My will crumbled.

I agreed to go.

After swearing it off for all eternity, this past weekend I was in Las Vegas. A city I hate. A place I despise. A joke I don't get. It was a friend's co-ed bachelorette party, and I won't lie to you -- the 2:1 girl-to-guy ratio was really the killshot. A bullet in my brain.

But I had a good time. Good people. Good drinking. Bad gambling, but like I said, good drinking. Some highlights/observations.

- A girl wearing a white bridal veil in Vegas is a douchebag magnet. I was privy to a whole parade of schmucks, losers, assholes, and vagabonds. God, do I hate dudes.
- I put $20 on the Buffalo Sabres winning the Stanley Cup at 12-1 odds.
- Going to Vegas with 8 girls not only cuts down considerably your time waiting in line for clubs, it also gets you in said clubs for free. God, do I love chicks.
- The brunch at the Wynn casino is quite possibly the greatest brunch ever. Do yourselves a favor and go. Omelettes and sushi. Yum.
- How to make a turkey club sandwich on pumpernickel: Get a large bed. Arrange 5 people on said bed in this order: Indian girl, Irish guy, Bengali girl, Irish guy, Indian girl. Try not to fall off the bed.
- I saw AC Slater and some guy from Laguna Beach at a club.
- My friend (a guy) is waaaaayyy too excited about seeing the Laguna Beach guy.
- 3-card poker gives you a chance to win a lot of money, but it also takes a lot away.
- In a related story, you'd think 20 would be enough to win a big hand of Black Jack when the dealer shows a 4.
- Some cab drivers like it when you sing songs in the cabs. Others don't.
- When you drink in your room to save money at the clubs, you usually get drunk enough that you end up spending money on drinks at the clubs.
- What goes on in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Unless you drunk dial people. Then it doesn't.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

An IM Conversation With My Sister

Yesterday was her birthday. This is our correspondence:

ME: hi
HER: hi
HER: i was drunk til about 2 hours ago
ME: really?
HER: really
ME: hahahahahaha
HER: i was wasted this morning
HER: R was peeing her pants
HER: like i didnt know what to do
HER: my boss emailed me (from the next room) and said can i give you work to go home i have been there i know how you feel
ME: awesome
HER: yea i took a cab from the train to work
HER: like 4 dollar cab ride
HER: couldnt walk
ME: that is hilarious
HER: im done drinking for a while
ME: oooh - you're in that stage
HER: til like sat
ME: that's 2 days
HER: um... yeah


ME: hey. sobered up some more?
HER: totally
HER: now im starving
HER: i want grease


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Curling is So Punk Rock

So one of the pretty rad features of the newest version of AIM that I downloaded is that it comes with xm radio. Having never heard xm radio before, I can't verify it's the same service you pay for in your car or wherever, but the point is is this AIM version of xm radio is great. Mostly I listen to the "classic punk" station (at least when I'm not watching Olympic hockey or curling... [and in this parenthetical in a parenthetical let me say I am NOT Canadian and, in fact, was rooting pretty hard against the Canadian hockey team. Have you ever heard Canadian hockey fans? They're almost worse than Yankee fans. Actually, I really associate Canadian hockey fans with Toronto Maple Leaf fans, and I truly despise them, so maybe I'm being a little too harsh on Barrie from Newfoundland.] But ANYWAYS...). As I was saying -- I listen to the classic punk station. And about 5 times I've heard songs I really liked and clicked on the AIM-thing-a-ma-jig to make it the featured window so I could see the artist. And each time it was a Stiff Little Fingers tune. Apparently I need to get some of their albums.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The Best Only(?) Songs About Architects

1) "So Long, Frank Lloyd Wright" by Simon & Garfunkel (Architects may come, and architects may go, never change your point of view.)
2) "Alec Eiffel" by Pixies (Oh, Alexander, I see you beneath the archway of aerodynamics.)

Is there an I.M. Pei song out there I'm not aware of?

You really don't even need to write a joke...

"I'm the guy who pulled the trigger that fired the round that hit Harry," said Cheney.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

I <3 You

Hey, Kevin, do you have big Valentine's Day plans? Perhaps a hot date? At a romantic restaurant? Are you going to buy lots of roses and chocolates? Is your 5-disc CD changer pre-loaded with the sexiest albums you own?

Oh, you guys have no idea.

Let me just say this: Mexican wrestling, burlesque, possible midget-tossing, flasks...

I will now go and leave you to your imaginations while I bask in your jealousy.

Monday, February 13, 2006

I Would Like to Curl that Rock

In my list below, I mentioned how I thought I could win an Olympic medal in curling. I didn't even know if the USA had a curling team. Curling just seems like something I can do. I certainly have physical limitations regarding how far I was going in my soccer career. I was never going to be a professional player; the best I could do was not embarrass myself when playing pick-up games against professional indoor soccer players (and this is quite a few steps below the MLS or any "real" league). There are people with the genes who are bigger and stronger than me. But curling -- I think if I just did it enough I'd be good.

And now I learn that not only does the USA have a curling team, but they won the gold medal! This is going to make my ascent to the team that much sweeter.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Things You Might Not Know About Me

I got an email from someone who did this. So I thought I'd do one here. A quick and dirty list:

1) I went to an all-boys Catholic high school.
2) NBA legend Bill Walton once made fun of me because I look young. This was while I was giving him a ride in a golf cart.
3) I lived in London for 5 months.
4) My very first day in London, my lung collapsed.
5) I love old '70s punk, but "God Only Knows" by the Beach Boys is my favorite song.
6) I once played Jack from "Jack and Jill" in a play (Kindergarten). I didn't even need a stunt double for my big scene.
7) I wrote a 10-page essay about riding two full "circumnavigations" on the Circle Line in the London Underground, and this essay was a total rip-off of David Foster Wallace.
8) Despite it being so derivative, it's my favorite thing I've ever written.
9) I once scored 4 goals in a soccer game which my team won 4-0.
10) I was accepted into Notre Dame, but I couldn't afford to go there, despite getting a partial scholarship.
11) I cried when my father told me it was too expensive.
12) My first, and only, pet was a cat named Jester.
13) I am my cousin Brendan's godfather.
14) The only two assigned books I didn't read in high school English were The Scarlet Letter and Heart of Darkness.
15) My favorite book from high school was The Great Gatsby
16) I've never shot a gun.
17) My mother has footage of me reciting the "Pledge of Allegience" when I was two. Though in that rendition, I "pedge a egence to a fag of united america."
18) I have never, ever told a girl I loved her. Though I have loved one girl.
19) I am now glad I didn't go to Notre Dame.
20) I have a relative who plays banjo with Boz Scaggs.
21) I played Joey in a NKOTB spoof that I co-wrote (5th grade)
22) It worries me that I have never, ever told a girl I loved her.
23) I had a Cabbage Patch Kid. His name was Sid Dwight.
24) I spent a homeless night sleeping on a bench underneath the Eiffel Tower. While it was raining.
25) Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band was the very first cassette I owned.
26) Please Hammer, Don't Hurt'em was the very first CD I owned.
27) Apparently I was cooler in 2nd grade than 5th grade.
28) I've never been in a real fight.
29) I used to carry an enemies list in my wallet.
30) I desperately want to be on someone else's enemies list.
31) I'll choose Guinness every time.
32) I have an irrational fear of sharks (i.e. I won't go in pools because of them. Pools!)
33) Young Guns II was the first PG-13 movie I saw in the theater.
34) Only once did I run the mile competatively. I finished in 2nd place; my time was 5 minutes and just-barely-under 6 seconds.
35) I think Barbara Bush is wayyyy hotter than Jenna Bush.
36) I've sprained my right ankle twice, strained my right knee ligaments, and gotten a concussion playing soccer.
37) I've never ever been injured playing hockey.
38) Once in college I was woken up at 4:45am to help finish shooting and editing a video project by now-Denver Bronco fullback Kyle Johnson.
39) I almost drove a Porsche through a wall.
40) I've known my best friend since 2nd grade.
41) I've known my best female friend since freshman year of college.
42) I look exactly like my dad.
43) I have a big mouth.
44) Literally and figuratively.
45) Jokes I've written have been on television sitcoms.
46) I hate Las Vegas.
47) I've seen 21 of the 30 NHL teams (counting the Hurricanes only once despite seeing them as both the Hurricanes and the Whalers. It's also 23 of 30 teams if you count seeing the Coyotes and Avalanche when they were still the Jets and the Nordiques).
48) I want to win an Olympic medal.
49) I think I can qualify in curling.
50) I have no idea if the USA has a curling team.
51) I'm a Sagittarius
52) I've never been to an NBA game.
53) I used to have a mohawk.
54) LaVar Arrington once told me, "Digging the hair, brother" re: the mohawk. Then we dapped knuckles.
55) I curse a lot.
56) I once read for a casting director for a role in a pilot.
57) Jennifer Garner apologized to me when her dog pooped in front of me.
58) I told her I'm sorry she had to clean it up, and she laughed.
59) I also made Rachel Hunter laugh once.
60) Neither witticism led to a date.
61) I think Wilco's Being There is by far their best album, and generally one of the most underrated albums ever.
62) I used to be a good swing dancer
63) I have gone on dates with people from: Ireland, England, Russia, Jordan, India, Canada. Oh, and the US.
64) The hardest job I ever had was doing roofing on commercial buildings. To this day it keeps me humble.
65) I know someone who had the first turn in Trivial Pursuit, and went on to win the game on that same first turn.
66) When I was 5 I had tubes put in my ears. I still don't have any idea what that was all about.
67) I love Vanilla Coke in a can.
68) In my one season of organized baseball, I didn't get any hits.
69) I walked a lot, though, and stole a lot of bases.
70) My friend Brett, and I had a line of comic books we drew and wrote in his garage when we were kids.
71) I've been in the honor guard at a Confederate Civil War re-enactment Jewish wedding. (Though I just wrote about this, so maybe you knew).
72) Whenever I drive over bridges I keep my hand on the door handle, ready to open it on a moments-notice should the bridge collapse and the car fall into the water.
73) I swear to God I am not making that up.
74) I would describe the earthquakes I've been in as "fun."
75) The last time I cried was upon hearing the news of Brett's father's death. That was a few years ago.
76) I like The Cutting Edge way too much.
77) I have a non-homosexual crush on John Cusack.
78) I don't really like food, but I love me a mashed potato.
79) I still know the code to unlimited lives in Contra.
80) I sometimes have self-confidence issues, but I think so highly of my handful of close friends that I figure they wouldn't be friends with me if I wasn't okay, so then I'm fine with myself. Kind of the opposite of that Groucho Marx joke.
81) I could try a little harder with this blog.
82) My brother has Downs Syndrome.
83) He's a funny dude.
84) I am a lifelong Baltimore Orioles fan because when I was little I thought they were the Baltomore Oreos. And I thought a baseball team named after a delicious cookie was fantastically awesome.
85) I am agnostic (which does NOT mean I believe in God but not a religion; it means I don't think we can ever know for certain about God's existence either way).
86) Having said that, I think about religion and God a lot. Daily.
87) Every time I fly I am seriously and completely convinced I am going to die.
88) I am not scared of flying, however, because I really have no other choice if I want to go home or visit friends. It's something I inevitably have to do. So I guess this means I'm a fatalist?
89) When my brother started school I used to have graphically violent dreams of doing great physical harm to kids who made fun of him. We're talking crazy psycho violent here. Horrendous. Scary. They lasted for a few years.
90) I am aware the last three facts make me seem slightly insane.
91) I'd like to have at least 2 kids. No more than 3.
92) My knees are so messed up from soccer that I can tell when it's going to rain because they ache.
93) I've been robbed at gunpoint twice.
94) I cracked a joke during on of the robberies and the guy didn't even laugh. Asshole.
95) When I get nervous I don't eat. I'm nervous a lot. I think this is why I can't gain weight. And I'm not ridiculously thin, but still:
96) The whole weight thing really fucks with my head. A lot more than I tend to let on.
97) One morning after a long night of partying, I woke up and couldn't use my legs. I just fell to the floor. Eventually they worked again.
98) I have never ever cheated on anyone. Physically, at least. I've been in a mindset and had conversations that, had my significant other known about, would have caused some serious fucking problems.
99) I am 5'11" amd really pissed off I didn't get that extra inch.
100) There is some way more interesting stuff I left off because a lot of my friends read this blog. And there's no way I'm letting them know some of it.


This story is crazy. I mean, the chick from Police Acadamy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach Wayne Gretzky's wife is involved!!! I just hope they don't drag Steve Guttenberg into it.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

My Own Battle of Bull Run (Manassas)

I have been to a Civil War-era themed re-enactment wedding. More specifically, I have been to a Confederate Civil War-era themed re-enactment wedding. And even more specifically, I have been to a Jewish Confederate Civil War-era themed re-enactment wedding.

This spectacle took place in San Diego, a city that had nothing to do with either the bride or the groom, or their families, or -- so far as I can tell -- the Civil War itself, unless General Sherman marched a hell of a lot further than I thought. But nevertheless, San Diego was the place for reasons that are still wholly unknown to me. It was my roommate Lisa's aunt's wedding. Lisa, our other roommate Gene, and I lived in Los Angeles. We also happened to be the only people associated with the wedding who lived west of the Mississippi, but I guess I should just drop the idea of solving the "oh-my-God-why-is-this-taking-place-in-San-Diego" mystery.

So moving on.

Like I said, it was Lisa's aunt's wedding. She and her beau met while doing Civil War re-enactments, hence the theatrics of the event. Gene went as Lisa's date and I was invited partly so I didn't feel left out of the roommate dynamic, but also partly (or probably, mostly) so that Lisa's 17-year-old cousin would have someone to waltz with at the reception. Also, about a week before the wedding Gene and I learned we were going to be members of the honor guard. We were told not to worry about it, that it would be fun. And who am I to turn down a request to be in someone's honor guard? Seriously.

When we got to San Diego we found out that Lisa's family was paying for my and Gene's hotel room, which is proper etiquette when dealing with honor guardsmen. But then we saw our uniforms: fluffy red shirts; white pants that sort of looked like pajama pants; white suspenders; blue-and-white striped socks with the pants tucked into them at the knee; white canvas "gators;" and boots. Also a straw hat. We were also issued a rifle with a bayonette, a sword, and some other random weaponry. We were supposed to be members of the Louisiana Tigers, a famed group of American mercenary fighters who originally formed in Louisiana but began their fighting careers in the Crimean War. Apparently the Crimean War was fought in desert conditions, which explains the odd-yet-comfortable uniforms. They were allowed to wear them during the Civil War because they would strike fear in the Union soldiers across the battlefield, such was the reputation of these Louisiana Tigers. Of which I was pretending to be. I looked ridiculous awesome. But at least I didn't have to wear the Confederate grays. I was fine looking like a nerd; I didn't need to look like an asshole.

The day of the wedding everyone met in the hotel lobby. Guests were coming in and out, and all of them were staring at us. It was horrific for me, because half of the men were dressed in Confederate gray uniforms. I didn't want to be associated with this so I just hid behind a pillar and made small talk with my "date." (A lot of: "Sooo... do you like biology class? No? Oh... Um... well, what classes do you like?)

And then the limo came. Driven by a black guy. A limosoune full of people in Confederate uniforms in a car driven by a black man. Oh Christ. When we got to the paddleboat (!) that the ceremony and reception was taking place on, I got out of the limo and tried to flash my most obvious "what-the-hell-is-up-with-all-these-weirdos?" face to the driver. He responded by flashing his most obvious "fuck you" face.

And then the ceremony started. It was my first Jewish wedding, and while I didn't plan on using it as a blueprint for how their ceremonies usually progressed, I was interested to see just how different or similar they were to the Catholic and generic Christian weddings I'm used to. It all started with the rabbi. I admit -- I was expecting a stereotype. A distinguished man with gray hair (perhaps his hair would match the uniforms of the guests!) and glasses; those curls coming down the side of his face. Instead I got a late-30s-ish British guy with a shaved head. A British guy with a shaved head who I later learned had -- forget about being a rabbi -- had been Jewish for a few months. (!!!...?) So things progressed smoothly until the rabbi asks the groom, "do you have your commanding officer's written consent of this union?" (Pun intended?) At this point, it gets weird. I mean, weirder. The groom, in a display of not-even-grade-D-community-theater acting, pats down his pockets, slowly at first but then frantically, and then announces, "I do not." GASP! The rabbi looks around, confused. What is this? Is this part of the ceremony? What is happening. There's an awkward silence. And then, an older but powerfully built man, steps out from the back of the deck, right next to where I and my other honor guardsmen are standing. And this man is in full Confederate dress, all covered and sparkling in medals and stripes. This is a high-ranking man. This is a man who commands the room's attention. This is a man not to be fucked with. This is also a man who, after clearing his throat, in a booming voice utters these words (words uttered for the very first time in the history of mankind): "Rabbi? I'm General Robert E. Lee!"

My eyebrow went up and my eyes kind of bugged out. But my roommate, Gene, who was standing opposite me and who happened to be in the perfect position to be in the background of every single wedding photograph taken of this momentous moment -- his face summed it up best. It was a mix of bewilderment, humor, and general oh-my-god-this-is-insane-what-the-fuck-is-WRONG-with-these-people? Actually, I think the more succinct term is "horror."

But so General Robert E. Lee, in his benevolence and magnanimousness gives HIS consent to the marriage. Would that be okay with the rabbi? All eyes turn back to the rabbi. "Yes sir, it would." And the congregation, or whatever the hell we're called, cheers. Roars. Oh happy day! Robert E. Lee rode in and saved the day, like the cavalry arriving with reinforcements to wreck havoc on some damn Yankees! The ceremony moved forward, the glass was crushed, and the bride and groom were married. Finally.

And I was free to waltz the night away.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Man, I Have Some Good Stories

I just can't write about them.

Monday, February 06, 2006

My Lone Super Bowl Thought

Can we please have one goddamned Super Bowl without Tom Brady? Please? That's all I ask. He'll be back in the game next year, but did we really need him to help flip the coin this year? Christ almighty.

Ghost in the Machine

Someone found this blog by doing a yahoo! search for "mick jagger sucked super bowl." As best as I can remember, I have never written about that. I have, however, thought about it in the past day. This has made me incredibly paranoid.

Are blogger and yahoo! search reading my mind?

Angry Heart Bear

Has anyone EVER been woken up by the phone at 12:06am, except you missed the call so you call the person back right away (even though you just talked to them an hour ago and when you hung up said, "I'm going to bed now...") and so when you call them back they start telling you about Care Bears? For 8 minutes? No?

Um, yeah, me neither.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

You can never take... our FREEDOM!!!

Caoimhin O'Lapain

My real Irish name rules.