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Wednesday, September 29, 2004

TO: the person who turned right while in the left lane who nearly hit me but for my deft driving

Please crash into a tree.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Law & Order: Jerry Orbach Unit

I know, I know. The second post about Jerry Orbach. Here's my pitch for the spin-off series:

Jerry Orbach has retired from the force. He becomes a crotchety old man who constantly complains about the neighborhood kids. He solves crimes around the house like "who ate the last piece of pie" and "why isn't the remote on channel 2?" As the series progresses, he falls further and further into an Alzheimer's-induced haze of constant befuddlement. He constantly calls 911 to report various incidents, but it turns out the man who came at him with knives and guns was just the mailbox. In the series-finale, it's a very special Law & Order: Jerry Orbach Unit they bring back Angie Harmon, Chris Noth, Michael Moriarty, Paul Sorvino, Jill Hennessey, et al for an intervention-type scene where they commit Jerry Orbach to an old folks home.

As the nurses drag him away, we fade to black and after a beat comes the final bum-BUM!

Then we air a 2-hour reality special: "Jerry Orbach and L&O: a Retrospective." It shows highlights of his 53-year run on the show and at the very end, producer Dick Wolf comes out to congratulate Jerry on his service and send him off to retirement.

Except then Dick Wolf pulls out a pistol and shoots Jerry Orbach in the face and says, in a Jerry Orbach voice, "Retirement treating you well?" in a moment dripping with delicious irony on a MichaelO'Donoghue/Bill Hicks/Lenny Bruce-type level.

Loser Sports

I root for the Buffalo Bills, Buffalo Sabres, New York Mets, Baltimore Orioles, and Denver Nuggets. Tough times.

I also root for Syracuse University sports -- and the basketball team won the NCAA tournament a couple years ago, but man, the football team SUCKS. I wish McNabb, Bulluck, Konrad, Mungro, Darius, and Freeney were still in college.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Upon Further Review

A comment was made in reaction to my orange starburst comment. The question was posed: what about yellow starbursts?

Upon further review, yellow starbursts are horrible and my breast is full of haterd for them. I was correct in saying the orange ones are like pennies, but pennies should evoke reactions of "eh, whatever" rather than any real emotion.

In my latest taste test, I've decided I like to use the orange ones as generic and bland previews before having a handful of red and pink ones and languishing in their wonderful bliss. The juxtoposition makes the reds and pinks even better, if possible.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Cat Stevens

International terrorist, huh? Really?

Apparently the peace train stops here.

Having Said the Below...

The 5 CDs in my stereo right now are:

1) Beck - Sea Change
2) Robert Johnson - The Complete Recordings (disc 1)
3) Mates of State - Team Boo
4) Toots and the Maytals - Live
5) Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

I must say, and I will say

I recently acquired Wilco's "Yankee Hotel Foxtrot." Yeah, I know, how did I only recently get it? Whatever. The point is, and don't get me wrong, it's very good, but I still like "Being There" better.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

What I've Learned Today

1) Orange Starbursts are pointless and I hate them. They're like the pennies.

2) Ichiro is awesome.

In spite of my hoping...

I think what I don't want in the post below this is inevitable. Sigh....

Please don't hate me, Tobin

You'll see.

A.L. East

I am a Baltimore Orioles fan. I'm not from Baltimore, but I've rooted for them for as long as I can remember. Tonight I saw the highlights from the Orioles/Red Sox game. Rodrigo Lopez has pitched incredibly against the Sox all season, and tonight was no exception. But then the umpires asked Lopez to take his hat off -- they were questioning whether he was cheating.

He wasn't.

I can only assume the Red Sox mentioned something to the umpires. And this distraction took Lopez off his game, he suddenly lost control of his pitches, and was pulled soon after. The Orioles ended up losing.

Now, Baltimore is a bad team. Losing one game -- who cares, right? I guess so. Except that was kind of bullshit checking Lopez's hat for sandpaper or vaseline or whatever.

Every year the Red Sox think they're hot shit and better than the Yankees, but every year they fail. In wonderful, heart-breaking fashion. I'm sick of the Job complex. They and their fans decry the Yankees for spending $250 million while they spend $225 million on salaries. Each team vies for the best free agents. At least Yankee fans, when they're acting like dicks, have the best team as their rooting interest. The Yankees and their fans are like the high school quarterback -- sure, he's a dickhead, but he actually throws the game-winning touchdowns and dates the head cheerleader. And I hate that guy as much as anyone, sure. Except the Red Sox and their fans are like the back-up wide corner back. They push nerds into lockers and act like hot shit because they're on the varsity football team, but -- and this is important -- they don't fucking start. I hate that guy, too.

So even though this is like rooting for Satan to destroy the world, I hope the Red Sox make the playoffs and lose to the Yankees in the seventh game of the ALCS in the bottom of the ninth.

The 2005 Death Pool

I am totally going to pick Marky Ramone. Joey in 2002 (cancer), Dee Dee in 2003 (overdose), Johnny in 2004 (cancer), and Marky in ----- (?). If I were him, I'd cut out the drugs and go get an MRI.

On a related topic, I am totally not going to pick the pope.

Seriously, though...

I need to post more.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Another Work Story

None of you really care about this, but it's fun to write about anyways. Sometimes I can't believe this type of thing really happens to people who aren't five.

Anyways, there is someone at work notorious for being an idiot and lacking the ability to take care of themselves. Well, they were out when lunch arrived, and so a co-worker put her food in the fridge, and next to her food put the giant container of parmasian cheese (a condiment this person in question requested). Right there, in the middle of the fridge -- so obvious you could almost see it even when the door was closed. Not really, but still.

Then we joked about if we'd get a call asking about the parmasian cheese. Shockingly enough, a little bit later we get a call:

"Did you guys get parmasian for _____________?"
"Uh, yeah. Robbie put it right next to her food."
"She says there's cottage cheese there. Not parmasian."
"I'm going to assume Robbie knows the difference and say the parmasian is right next to her food."

End of conversation.

A few moments later I went over to the kitchen, and saw the huge container of parmasian right there in the middle of the shelf.

This happens all the time. And as has been pointed out earlier, this person? Millionaire. It's actually astounding and a little awe-inspiring that this kind of thing is almost a daily occurance.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Things You Probably Don't Want to Find in the Bathtub

1) Ring of dirt around the edge
2) Your thesis paper (only copy), floating in water
3) A turd
4) An alligator
5) A dead hooker
6) Andy Griffith

Wednesday, September 08, 2004

One tiny observation

Alan Keyes is running against Barak Obama for one of Illinois' Senate seats. Didn't Alan Keyes rip Hilary Clinton for being a carpetbagger? Pot, meet the kettle.

Also, this is the same Alan Keyes I saw in the Republican Primary in 2000 who, after Dole, Bush, Hatch, et al. agreed affirmative action was bad, said it was a good thing.

Is this Bizarro world?

Saturday, September 04, 2004


I signed up for Netflix earlier this week. I started listing my movies, and the next day they shipped three of them. The day after that I got them in the mail. I watched one of them (Igby Goes Down - good, not great) and the very next day mailed it back. The day after that they showed to have received it and were already sending my next selection.

Did you get all that? It takes like 1 day to get the movies. All I can say is Netflix is AWESOME and I am going to see every single movie.


Friday, September 03, 2004

Honk If You!

There is an intersection in Los Angeles where every Friday evening war protestors and war lovers demonstrate. The anti-war people take one side and the pro-war people take the other. It's a fairly busy intersection, and cars line up at the light waiting for their greens.

Of course, all of the demonstrators have signs encouraging the drivers to honk their horns in support. So on Friday evenings this particular intersection becomes a honking-loud corner, but you never can be sure who is winning the war of public opinion (at this corner) because the horns aren't position-specific.

They're just loud. And frequent.

This evening I was about seven cars back from the light, waiting for it to turn green. I heard the usual "toot-tooting" and "beep-beeping" and was chucking to myself whenever one side of protestors cheered at a honk, thus claiming it as theirs. How can they tell? But then up ahead came a looooong "beeeeeeeeeeeeep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep."

"Man," I thought, "someone up there either really loves or hates the president." Then the light turned green and I started moving, and as I neared the intersection I realized there was some jerk trying to make a left turn but not from the left-turn lane.

There was no doubt at that point who the honking was for.

Thursday, September 02, 2004

Oh How I Wish Spontaneous Combustion Happened More Frequently, And That I Could Enable It With A Mere Thought

Driving down Laurel Canyon tonight was a slow go. Not because of the traffic... well, I mean, yeah, because of the traffic - but what I mean is not because the traffic was heavy. As in a lot. No. Laurel Canyon was a slow go because of a Student Driver. She was slowing down on all the curves (which are a lot) and taking it easy on the straight parts knowing a curve was coming up.

Which is fine. I was patient. I was a little frustrated, but I saw the Student Driver stickers clearly and it was obvious it wasn't a teacher driving the car home for the night. This was a beginner. So like I said, I was patient.

Except the asshole in the gigantic white pick-up right behind her (and in front of me) wasn't. Patient. He was, in fact, a fucking asshole about the whole situation. On the student driver's ass, and as I know from experience pick-up truck headlights are intensely bright and at a level off the ground that is equal to a normal car's rearview mirror. So I'm sure it was intimidating to the girl. And then he starts beeping. And this goes on until we get to the bottom of Laurel Canyon and it becomes two lanes. And the fuck-face in the pick-up violentlt swerves into the right lane and tries to pass the student driver.

Except then he realizes he wants to turn left onto Hollywood Blvd. And he doesn't have the room to go ahead of the student driver and cut her off and make it to the far left.

So he slows down to cut behind her. Except this is where I come in, pull in close behind the student driver and block asshole-pick-up dickhead. I stop to make the left on Hollywood Blvd. and the pick-up, after briefly flirting with the idea of waiting in a non-turn lane to turn, decides against it, beeps at me, and roars off.

So 2 things:

1) I was reminded of that scene in The Naked Gun(?) where the student driver is calmly told to back up and all that, and then extend her left arm out and stick up the middle finger at the driver going the wrong way.

2) I wished as hard as I've ever wished that that pick-up would blow-up. Alas, I fear he made it home in one piece and not aflame.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

And yet again, also...

This blog got really serious. So to lighten the mood:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Read a later post for the punchline. Or guess the punchline by adding a comment.


Yes, I am aware of the juxtoposition of the atheist post with the "oh my God" post.

A thought

So I'm an atheist. Well, almost. I have just enough Catholic guilt in me to feel guilty about being an atheist, and on some days it's enough to keep me in agnostic realm. But anyways, even though I'm an atheist, I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic schools and so I know a lot about the Bible. And unlike a lot of atheists, I think it's a great book. Not because it's "God speaking" to me, but because they're great stories and morals and actually not a terrible way to live life. I mean, I don't believe Jesus is God, but he sure did set a good example.

But here's the thing. Jesus was a rabble-rousing hippie communist. And it makes me mad that none of the crap in the Bible (re: heaven and eternity and all that) is going to happen, because if you read the thing, the authors really really have it in for rich people. They are seriously fucked on a "the-rest-of-eternity" level.

OOoooooohhhhh, that would have been so awesome.

Oh my GOD!!!

Can Arnold Schwarzenegger, my governor, please pretty please stop it with the movie references? If we had actually picked the cyborg from Terminator as our governor, then fine, "I'll-be-back"-it-up all night. But we didn't.

Also, re: his speech. I find it scary that the son of a Nazi who cites Nixon as his political motivator is in such good standing politics-wise with half this counrty, and a majority of my state's voters. Gulp.