Not Real Sports

I really don't like fantasy sports, and I dislike them for individual reasons. Fantasy Baseball is just too long a season and I inevitably go a week or two at different times in the summer where I don't pay attention, and therefore my teams plunge down in the standings faster than Rafael Palmeiro lost his Hall of Fame consideration. Fantasy football just grates on my nerves. There are television shows and actual jobs based on analyzing fantasy football. How pathetic is that? Such desperation to hold on to your dreams of the 20-tackle game you had in the State Championships. And this is it, not even season tickets but a fake team. And then you get those people at the bar next to you: "I need Willis McGahee to have 150 yards but no touchdowns because I have Miami's defense, but I like the Bills so I want them to win the game... 10-7 would be nice because I have Chris Chambers and if he could catch that touchdown, I might have a chance depending on if Edgerrin James has a bad game against the Saints since my opponent has James..." It's maddening. And no one plays fantasy hockey. Hell, last year no one played regular hockey. I've heard fantasy golf is fun, but, um, no.

But having said all of that, I think I'm playing fantasy football this year. I'm going to try and be a Mike Brown-like owner and manage my team with heartless determination. No sentimental picks. Also, if I have Tom Brady on my team, I'm still rooting for Takeo Spikes and Nate Clements to rip his shit up all afternoon. I said there'd be no sentimentality on Team Kevin -- there is, however, ample room for it on the Buffalo Bills. This way if I'm losing I can tell all my friends I don't really care, yet if I'm winning I can talk shit, which to me is the only good part of Fantasy sports. Oh, the ego. Like somehow this will prove my machismo since I can no longer run and keep up in a flag football game.