I'm All That And Then Some, Tall Dark And Handsome...

The latest news is that Viagra may cause blindness. Too many people inadvertantly and surprisingly shot in the eye?

Snap!

Webster

Does anyone know where the word "nosh" comes from? I hate that friggin' word.

We're Talking Baseball

The Mets and Yankees play soon. So Favorite Team #1a can directly help Favorite Team #1b. Excellent.

M!-E!-T!-S! METS! METS! METS!

A Hubcab, A Bird, and Some Change

I went to Ralph's and Sav-On last night. In Ralph's I saw a man walking down an aisle with a hubcab in his hand. He was shopping for milk. In Sav-On I heard a loud SQUAWK! and saw a woman one checkout line over with a colorful bird on her shoulder. He seemed angry (or happy?) about something, so he SQUAWKED! again. The woman turned her head to the bird, mumbled something and let it nip at her lip. Then she laughed and it SQUAWKED! yet again.

When I left and made my way through the parking lot, I thought my pants seemed heavier than usual and upon further investigation I discovered I had somehow come away from the two stores with $3.27 in loose change.

Well then.

Turn that horseshoe upside-down, good sir!

I've been trying to figure out why this blog has sucked so incredibly hard the past couple of months. The reason I came up with in an earlier post was that I had no specific "angle" or common thematic structure to the posts to give my blogging a raison d'etre. The sporadic posting and randomness of the topics have in fact given it raison de n'etre rien. Or something like that.

I think a big part of the lackadasical posting has been my job. I work in the allegedly glorious world of Hollywood. First off, right now is a slow time at work with not much going on, and hence, no interesting work-related anecdotes. Secondly, I certainly wouldn't care what some assistant-level minion had to say about their professional world -- positive or negative or otherwise -- so why assume others are interested in this aspect of my life? I'm not even so proud of myself for working in "the biz" as they call it. I can't even stand that goddamned term. The self-centeredness and self-congratulatory masturbation-type atmosphere that pervades around here -- and is in fact embodied by calling it "THE biz" -- annoys the shit out of me. So I'm certainly not going to write about what good friends I've become with what celebrity to impress anyone because, well, aside from the fact that I'm not, even if I was so what? My versions of these stories are less about how comfortable I am around these people and more about how uncomfortable I am.

The opposite end of the spectrum and diametrically opposed to the "look-at-how-cool-I-am" stories are the sarcasm-filled complaining rants. And I'm really good at sarcastically ranting. Except I've found a really nice job amidst the steaming pile of horseshit that is television production, and I couldn't bitch and complain about it even if I wanted to. I was so fed up with the garbage inherent in my old position that my whole perspective on life was tainted. The old position also involved a lot of driving around town, so I was exposed to some weird stuff. Now I sit in an office all day long. And so now I come to the realization as to why this blog sucks.

Unfortunately, I have nothing to complain about. Well, I mean, the exile in an office aspect is there, too, but still.

Hopefully I'll get shot at when I'm driving home tonight.

When Pessimism Fails

The Orioles not only beat the Twins, but they won a game:

1) After placing 2 key players on the DL -- corner outfielders Sammy Sosa and Luis Matos.
2) Against Johan Santana, who hasn't lost since sometime in the middle of last season and though he didn't get the loss, still... he didn't win.
3) Behind the offensive prowess of... Larry Bigbie, B.J. Surhoff, and Jay Gibbons (Tejada, Mora, Roberts, Lopez who???)

Dare I start believing?

Remember Ratz?

So... that Pope Benedict XVI sure is doing... um... phew. I don't have to pretend like I care anymore.

But seriously, what news? After a two-week surge of attention are they back on their way to slowly becoming irrelevant in America?

Bealtaine Cuig (is Irish for May 5)

Looking at the traditions of Cinqo de Mayo and St. Patrick's Day you'd think that, being as these people know how to party, Catholic masses and other rituals wouldn't be so godamned boring.

Alaric and the Goths

The Yankees suck and the Lakers missed the playoffs. SportsCenter is the best show on TV now.

Power Outage > Caffeine

Nothing gets you moving like the panic of waking up and seeing your alarm clock blinking.

And Now Miguel Tejada Will Lay Down a Bunt

The Orioles lost 1-0 to the (I think) 2nd-place Blue Jays last night. 1-0. They were caught stealing a bunch of times and made quite a few other base-running errors. A lot of guys already on base made outs -- and stupid ones at that.

This is a team with a ridiculous offense. Sosa, Mora, Tejada, Roberts, Lopez. Even Larry Bigbie, Luis Matos, and Jay Gibbons are hitting hard. Why the small-ball mentality? With their starting pitching and offense they should lose 10-9, not 1-0.



.... Wow. It feels good to care again.

Aim Well

Lately in LA there have been a lot of highway shootings. Not, mind you, people actually shooting the highways, but people shooting at other people on the highways. It's lovely, really, imagining yourself cruising along at a pretty good speed with the radio on -- and the windows are rolled up because the smog and vehicle exhaust will kill you, but still -- the freeway lanes are (relatively) clear and you're moving along at 60 mph and not caught in a traffic jam for once, and then you hear a car backfire (you think) and an Escalade comes careening into your lane, taking out your front bumper and causing you to sideswipe the car on the other side, as the original Escalade plows into the guardrail because it's driver has just been shot.

Therein lies my concern -- beginning, middle, and end. I don't want some dead guy's vehicle crashing into me. The media has been sort of sketchy on the details. They make it seem like this string of shootings is of epidemic proportions, a plague upon all our houses. Anyone can get shot - so be careful! Except when you read the seventh and eighth paragraphs of the newspaper articles you see all of these shootings started as arguments back at gas stations or something like that. With rare exceptions, people who haven't done anything don't get shot. Perhaps their actions didn't deserve a shooting in response, but chances are they did something.

Driving in LA is horrible because a lot of people are either a) idiots; b) assholes; or c) both. If highway shootings are going to thin out their ranks, so be it. I'm more worried about a car losing control and crashing into me, and the douchebags on the roads here seem to be good at doing that on their own.

Clublife Envy

Sometimes I think my little blog is dreadfully bad. It's supposed to be a writing exercise for me, to get me to at least "jot" down some stuff on a semi-regular basis if nothing specifically interesting happens. And I think early on it was pretty good. Now it's just boring. I'm bored when I write it, so I can only imagine how horrible it must be for you to read it. Maybe I'm just sad that it's stopped raining here in LA and now there's no chance we'll all fall into the ocean on a mudslide.

But I feel this space is even more pathetic when I read other blogs that are built on solid ideas and also incorporate excellent writing and interesting points of view. I can write as well as anyone, I just don't have an angle for this blog. A Gestalt if you will. My favorite blog -- and the one that makes me feel the most impotent as a blogger when I read it -- is Clublife. Very quickly: it's written by a bouncer who works at a New York club. He seems to think his stories are simply outlets for his own frustrations, but there's a lot more going on in the stories than just bitching. He's a very good writer and the stories -- aside from just being inherently funny -- are made all the better by his unique sensibility/perspective, and his basic ability to tell a story in an interesting way. He knows how to keep the reader invested and the stories always have a higher ideological point to them, so you can take something away from them.

And now he has mobsters. Fuck. I should just quit.

The Kenneth Lay of Baseball

So Bernie Williams is going to split time with Jason Giambi and Ruben Sierra (when he's healthy) as the New York Yankees designated hitter.

Jason Giambi. Split time.

Everyday Oakland Athletic first baseman and league MVP candidate Jason Giambi. Now a part-time DH. Splitting time with an over-the-hill, injured player. Actually, two over-the-hill injured players.

Maybe Giambi just needs a shot in the arm to get going... oh, wait...

Things To Do #233

I'd really like to catch a home run ball.

Becoming A Rock Legend Is More Difficult Than I Thought (But Skynyrd Still Sucks)

Becoming adept at changing chords quickly and with efficient finger movement is really difficult. Whenever I try and play along with a song I feel like I'm in some nightmarish game of tennis where each time I hit the ball another one is already coming back at me towards the opposite corner. And the chords change yet again and here comes another ball.

Move On

I can name each team's line-up. I know almost all of their AHL affiliates. I knew about Sidney Crosby three years ago. I know the name of the Red Wings' European scout (Hakan Andersson) and that he always finds late-round gems -- and I'm not even a Red Wings fan. I've seen the Nordiques, Jets, and Whalers play in person. I remember Jimmy Carson and Ken Hodge, Jr. I have Eric Lindros' Canada Cup card -- his pre-rookie card. I know who gets called up on a regular basis for each team. I've seen the Avalanche, Coyotes, and Hurricanes play in person. I can almost name every single player from memory by country of origin, though I sometimes include Ukrainians or Kazahks (never Latvians) with Russians. I know the names of the original 8 Russians to play in the NHL, and was present for one's first game and goal (Alexander Mogilny assisted by Pierre Turgeon and Phil Housley). I can name all the Sutter brothers. I remember Gretzky... Keith Gretzky. I miss Adams, Patrick, Smythe, and Norris. I know that Dave McLlwain is the only player to play in all 4 (original) divisions in one season. I think Pat Peake is a good argument for automatic icing. I still read hockey websites for news, despite there being no games for a year.

Hockey is by far my favorite sport. I ingest it.

But if the NHL doesn't start on time for a second straight season I will never watch another game.

Waiting For the Proverbial Shoe

I'd feel a whole lot better if it wasn't Rodrigo Lopez, Sidney Ponson, Erik Bedard, Bruce Chen and Daniel Cabrera.